Could it be that life is not as hard as we make it? Was cleaning cabinets yesterday...that, & easy listening music going in the background, gives you time to ponder.. In 30 years will all the things matter that seem so upseting on a daily basis? In 40 yrs will anyone care about the Mother's Day without children? I don't think so. They will remember ME but not that they weren't around. Minds are like that...they remember what makes them feel good & the rest just goes away.They will tell stories, shake their heads & say I was a good person. Oh, then they will name my faults, but, they will have forgiven me them...again, that is what the mind tends to do.

So, don't think I am going to feel bad anymore...think I am going to be OK...

Simple thoughts...

This was taken Mother's Day..It was a time to reflect on being a mom...It seems that I have not been the best one on the planet & my youngest son will be the first to tell you that. If he did speak to you, you are lucky, as, he does not speak to me.  Hurt? sure, bring me to my knees, no. I have long ago learned that there are just things that you cannot change no matter how much to pray, cry, beg, carry on...you can apologize but if it is not accepted, it is like talking to a wall. At that point you have two choices..one to keep up the noise no one hears..well, the one you want to hear anyway. The ones that DO hear can't do anything about it either so they are miserable just listening to you, and, pretty soon they don't hear either. OR, you can get on your knees, pray it to God & walk a way. Does that make Mother's Day any easier, ha! no way. You don't get completely off the hook BUT it does allow you to appreciate what you do have. The ones that are left that love you(thank you Tiff & Gene). You are more open to that love as it is not over shadowed by sadness or loneliness.

The question has been brought up about 'legacy'.. what is your legacy, what do you want to be remembered for? Wow, I had never stopped to think about that. It was the topic of a woman's conference given at our church. They asked about the people we remember..what they left behind that we remembered them for.

 My first thought was my mom, who worked hard..never complained,never begged off of cooking, cleaning, working, being a taxi driver, nurse, wife and friend because she was just too ??? or, that she just needed a 'me' day ... My maternal grandmother came to mind...who took care of me until I was 12 & able to stay alone at home.She sang & whistled daily..hymns while she did her chores..when we hit on an 'oldie' in church I can smell cookies cooking, see her beating 13 egg whites by hand until they stood 3inches tall to make an angel food cake (no box)singing Rock of Ages with all her heart.

My paternal grandmother quilting...her & a half dozen church ladies, sitting around the quilting frame in her living room, talking, singing, sharing stories & laughter. They would start early in the morning, stop at lunch for tea & sandwiches, & go again until one would start to fall asleep then they would go home...to return the next week.Neither one of the grandmothers drove a car..one lived in a small town & walked where she needed to go. The other was in the country but the neighbors went to town weekly & she could ride with them.

I don't think any of these women thought about their legacies.. they just were good people doing what they needed to do, in life, for others. They were 'salt of the earth' people. Do you have to plan a legacy? Or, is it WHO & WHAT you are?

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOMMA, I MISS YOU

Here she is, number one mom in my book. Lord, the trials the woman went thorugh and there was always that smile on her face. She & my dad worked hard, hard like I will never know and the generations after me can never imagine. They packed fruit the first part of their marriage and followed that around the state of CA. They saved enough money, even with my dads drinking and gambling, to buy a grocery store. That was in 1953 (dad had quit drinking in 1944,the year I was born) and they worked 365 days a year for the first five years.Then they started taking holidays off, later Sundays.But, being a small town, were always on call if someone needed something.Mom went to work at 8am, after getting my sister and me up for school and didn't get off until 7p.m. For the holidays she cooked the big dinners of 25-30 people (only having the one day off).

I was asmatic and she would sit at night when I would have my attacks leaning up against my headboard, holding me up against her so I could breathe..starting her day again as usual..sometimes this went on for days.My dad was not an easy man and she lead a life of many disappointments and heartbreaks. But, she always smiled. No one ever knew what went on. When they divorced after 29 yrs of marriage the whole down was surprised. There were no Oprah's to give her guidence and insight into her needs and what she deserved..she just loved her family and did what was best for all of us. I cannot imagne how tired she must have been at times. I now wonder what her thoughts were as she laid in her bed at night, knowing what faced her tomorrow. I never saw or heard her cry except when my grandmother, her mother passed away. Again when my step-dad, the love of her life, passed. 

I was her baby, and I loved every second of it until I was 47 yrs old when she died. My life has never been the same without her. But, she lives on inside me, she guides me because I know what she believed in, how she felt about certain things and that God was the foundation to build it all on. I did not truly understand all that until I went through trials,  troubles and climbed moutains in my own life. Her strength will always be my strength. Hardly a day goes by that I don't talk to her about something, or she leads me in a direction that I feel safe with.